


A Paradox: A Attempt Of What I Feel.

by Rooperx



Category: Original Work
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-14
Updated: 2019-11-28
Packaged: 2020-12-16 12:21:13
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 446
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21036161
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rooperx/pseuds/Rooperx
Summary: I truly wonder what that feeling is. To live. To feel.





	1. Chapter 1

Paradox.  
-a seemingly absurd or self-contradictory statement or proposition that when investigated or explained may prove to be well founded or true.

Day 1.  
I once again look at the screen staring at the words displayed. Brimmed with emotion and also devoid of life. The words.  
How my family and friends would berate me for typing it in. To wonder if that same feeling existed in other people. I honestly didn't know.  
Death was a comedic concept in that it signified the end of life but the beginning of sorrow. We never truly accept death and we cling onto the idea that we are unbound by it.  
The screen pulses, or is it my eyes that are tired from looking to long.  
I wanted this place to be a sanctuary for my thoughts and feelings. This box of words. My little Eden.  
Should I stop referring to myself in the first person.  
I don't know.

I want to ask you the question.  
The question that I come back to each time.  
Every month of every year.  
I know that suicide is a though subject and that you shouldn't do something rash or impulsive.  
I kept reading stories of those who ended their beautiful lives because they felt alone.  
Because they hit rock-bottom.  
Because those close to them felt alien.  
My question is.

Why do I want to kill myself when I am so happy.

Quite the paradox.  
I will write again when I feel this way.


	2. Another Day: A Glimpse At Feeling

I am back.  
Another rough week in a peaceful month in a grueling year.  
I have gotten used to the numb feeling, thoughts of existing have been more prevalent in my own mind.  
Recently, I have understood this pain and grasped its meaning even if only a bit.  
Do I have to fight it?  
Do I have to run from it?  
I don't think so, not anymore. I won't jump into the abyss and lose myself but fighting it is also not an option.  
I remind myself each day that I can't end it but it does not cement me to the present.  
Neither alive nor dead.   
It's like a pet that is unruly, kind of stubborn but you still need it.  
I shall name him so I can put a more defined feeling to what it is.  
I can't think of a name for it yet.  
Sam.  
Yeah, I will call it Sam.  
Sam has been with me.  
Is with me.  
Will be with me.  
A companion, a constant in life.  
I used to fear Sam but now it is comforting to be with.  
I will relay more of my thoughts when I see Sam again.  
Till next time.


End file.
